Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
