You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
