oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
and you fell through a lawn chair
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
