What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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