My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.