Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.