mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
