New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
