thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
