just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
