they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
