WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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