I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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