I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
