eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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