'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
