He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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