two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
