You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
