"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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