How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
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Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
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Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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