I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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