just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
