I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
