remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
