How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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