Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
