we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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