So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
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I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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