...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
