I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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