Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
