don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
