That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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