I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
