$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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