my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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