so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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