Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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