There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
