My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
