currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
