Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
