Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
