Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
