3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
