My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
