Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
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I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
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I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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