well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
