I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
