This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
