Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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