Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
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you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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