yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
