i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
