Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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