I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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