I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
