I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You left your phone here
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