come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
