life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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