I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
